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"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company. Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops. Husbands and boyfriends are the best people to share secrets with… Plastic surgery is the work-out routine for the rich. Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally. Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor, and it rubbed me the wrong way. He wasn't amused, but he did say "You cracked me Up." Life is not a fairy tale. My vacuum broke in the middle of cleaning and I can't tell if the situation sucks or not. "The problem with quotes from the Internet, is that you can never truly verify their authenticity." -Abraham Lincoln If it's the thought that counts, think money. Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast. Just like everyone else." -Margaret Mead "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." -Isaac Asimov "We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know." -W. Auden "When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.

If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh? If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side. They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening. The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand. Shout "out" to baseball players who get three strikes. So if the US gets rid of pennies and nickels I'm not sure how I'll feel. A skinny guy with a six-pack is like a fat girl with big tits.. Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? you're either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour.

I wish you would eat some makeup so that you’re pretty on the inside too! I farted in the Apple store and everyone yelled at me. Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody." Brendan Behan was spot on when he said this, don't you think?

The quotes given here are proof of...30th birthdays can be a scary time, but it's only going to get better from here on out.

“Jonny, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” his mother reminded him. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. “Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.” 😀 A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” 😀 Nice Jokes.

😀 An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. Here is some more from me: A father is asking a man who wants to marry his daughter about his income. A cop pulled him over and said I have lunch break in an hour give me one good reason and I’ll leave…

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Who you date - as well as who you marry - is one of the most intensely personal decisions someone makes. As one of the smallest racial minorities here, it’s not that surprising Asians have some of the highest rates of interracial marriage. He said that if you look at marriage from a traditional standpoint, many people have viewed it as a way to become more economically successful – or at least, stable.“So you would think based on that sort of traditional motivation women would marry the most socioeconomically successful men.

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